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He’s Not That Into You
Oh. Oh. Time For A Charm Offensive
Congratulations! He’s got your phone number. But it was…kind of awkward. You talked for a good twenty minutes at the bar/party/social event, but you noticed he wasn’t fully present. He did ask you for your number but there wasn’t much energy behind the ask. The good news is that he texted you. The bad news is that he waited three days to do it and wrote one word: “ Sup.”
Here’s what’s happening: He’ s ambivalent. For whatever unknown reason, he likes you but not enough to put any oomph behind getting together. Please note the phrase “ unknown reason.” The truth is you don’ t know why he’s ambivalent. It could be that he’ s just not that into you (ouch! I know that hurts, but welcome to Planet Unfair). But it could also be circumstances that have nothing to do with you (he’ s currently dating somebody or he’ s got an ex-girlfriend he can’ t get over, for example). It could even be that he’ s socially clueless and that’s how he shows women he likes them (wow, you know how to pick them!)
Don’t awfulize his ambivalence. It doesn’t mean you’ re not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, funny enough or whatever enough. It is what it is and what it is can be turned around with the Eleven Rules Of Texting The Ambivalent.
1. Wait Two Days Before You Text.
Think of testicles: One is too few and three is too many. You don’ t want to send a testicle, er, text, to soon because, hello, he’ s not that into you. He’ s expecting you to text right away because he can sense that you want him more than he wants you. Two days is the perfect time to wait—it shows him you have a life and that you too may be ambivalent about him.
2. Do NOT send an open-ended text.
Here’s the very worst one you can send:
“Hey, what’s up?”
You will just get the obvious, socially programmed response of “Not much, how about you?” This is an interview question, and will bore the hell out of your crush. In fact, you may as well have texted:
“Would you mind coming up with something interesting to say because I’m so boring the plaster peels off the wall when I talk to it.”
Not only are you announcing that you’ve got the personality of a Kansas zip code, you’re leaving him in the awkward situation of being the only party creating value in the conversation. You should demand value from guys but you should also deliver it. You both have the same job: To put a smile on each other’s faces. The best way to do that is to learn how to…
Building Romantic & Sexual Tension
Moving your texting relationship from Bing to BANG starts with knowing that there’ s a mutual attraction. It could be, as in the last chapter, that you turned his ambivalence or hesitation around. Or maybe you hit it off from the moment you met him at a party/coffeehouse/bar/social event. Maybe the conversation came easy, he laughed at your jokes and he got your number faster than a hungry woodpecker.
So what’s next? Raise your hand if you said, “ Ask him to send pictures of his junk.” Now slap yourself with that hand. It’s time to get to work! Your ultimate goal is a date or a hookup but that’s going to be hard to do without amplifying the sexual and romantic tension. For the purposes of this chapter I’m going to assume that you want to actually go out with the guy you’re texting, not just do the No Pants Dance with him. So, let’s take a look at…
The First Step To Building Sexual & Romantic Tension: Establishing Comfort. Comfort is a two way street. His job is to assure you that hanging out with him isn’t going to land your face in the back of a milk carton. Your job is to make him feel like he won’t have to keep changing his tires because you’re a Stage Five Clinger who keeps slashing them.
Never hang out with guys that make you feel uncomfortable. EVER. It doesn’t matter that you hit it off great when you first met. If he goes all pervy in his text threads drop him like a men’s room toilet seat.
We actually talked a lot about creating comfort in the last chapter. It basically involves you coming across as a confident, somewhat edgy chick with a good sense of humor. One of the fastest ways to establish comfort is to ask his advice– with a twist of funny.
I’m at the mall trying on different perfumes. Here, sniff. Do you like the one on my right wrist or left?
OMG, my friend’s breath is so bad I’ve lost my short-term memory. Should I tell her?
Tailor your humor to his personality. For example if he likes cutesie stuff try this:
You: “This cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat goofball cat busy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat!”
You: Read it without saying cat!
If he prefers his texts on the peppery side, try this:
Hello, you have reached — OH SHIT SHIT GODDAM FUCKING SHIT! — The Tourette Helpline.
For more ideas, see the last chapter of this book where I’ve posted hundreds of witty texts you can send and call your own. The point is to create laughter to create comfort. Once you’ ve exchanged a few texts and established that you are not a tire slasher, it’s time to…
Don’t Texturbate! Turn A Text Into A Call
Texturbating means you’re spending more time with your phone than with him. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that you can get to know a guy by texting, or that things are going well because your typing styles match. It’ s not true. He is artfully creating a personality for himself that’ s about as far removed from reality as your own nebulous e-personality.
Texting is a means to an end (namely his). You didn’ t give him your number to find a fourth for Mahjongg. You gave it to him because you want to hang out or hook up. The only way that’ s going to happen is if he asks you out. And the only way that’s going to happen is if you make it easy for him to do it. I rarely make global pronouncements about dating because every situation is different but hear me out on this one:
Do not go out with a guy who asks you out over a text unless you know him well.
I want to throw a few stats out to make my point:
- 15% of women have either been raped or suffered through an attempted rape.
- 57% of rapes occur on a date.
- 33% of women have been sexually harassed.
I don’t mean to spray buzz kill over your romantic fantasies but I care about you. I know I don’t know you but you’re somebody’s daughter and somebody’s sister. I love my sisters and I love my mom. I don’t want any harm coming to them and I don’t want any harm coming to you.
This is what you should be thinking if he asks you out over a text: “Do I know…”
What To Say In That First Phone Call
It’s natural to be nervous so have a plan. Know what you’re going to say before you pick up the phone. Preparation will eliminate awkward silences and propel you into a fun, engaging conversation.
Here’s how you prepare: Think back to the subjects that you joked about and bring it up. Let’s say he was teasing you about those big hoop earrings you were wearing the fateful night you met:
Ring, ring, ring….
Him: Hi, it’s Steve. What’s going on?
You: Hi! I’m still wearing those earrings you tried to do the hoola hoop in the other night.
Him: Awesome! I feel like dancing again. Hold the earrings up to the phone.
Contrast the energy and vibe of that opening phone call with:
“Hi, how are you?”
Point made. Always open with something cheeky or flirty that was specific to the interaction you first had. His mind will immediately go back to the fun interaction you shared and bam! You’ ve put him in the kind of positive emotional state that will move the conversation forward.
A Body Language Trick That Works Over The Phone.
I’ve got a neat trick I want to share with you, courtesy of nonverbal communication researchers. But first you should know something important about body language. It doesn’t just reflect your inner emotions, it changes them. Don’ t take my word for it; test it. Cross your arms against your chest. What do you notice? After a few minutes, you’ll get quieter, more introspective and less likely to smile or laugh. It’s the body’s built-in feedback loop—‘bad mood’ body positions result in bad moods, period. It works the other way around, too. Smile, uncross your arms and keep your palms open for a couple of minutes. Hmm. Is that your spirit lifting or are you just looking forward to your crush calling you?
So how does this apply to your phone call? If you’re nervous about making a phone call, do this:
Post-Date Texting: If The Date Went Well And You Want Another One
Congratulations! The date went well, the conversation was easy and you both know there’s a second date in the works. First things first: The all-important post-date text! This is a crucial and necessary action after every date. It’s easy to pull off well and just as easy to screw up, so here are a few pointers:
Do not text him before you get back to your house. Do not send approval-seeking texts like, “ Did you have a good time?” Do not drop hints about going out again. Doing any of these things is like putting up a billboard in front of his house that says, “ I’ m The Girl You’ re Never Going To Get Rid Of!” Here are some great examples of what not to do:
You: I think I’m in love.
You: You make me so happy!
You: What do you want to name our first child?
These texts would make your chances for a second date fall faster than Marie Antoinette’ s guillotine. Keep the post-date text simple. Send him a text the next day and either reference something that happened on the date or say something funny. Let’ s say the waiter was slow as molasses.
You: I had a great time. I feel sorry for anybody who has an accident and gets our waiter as the EMT. They might as well call a priest for the last rites!
You’ve had a shared experience that only you two took part in, and commenting on it helps create a unique bond. You could also bust on him about something that obviously didn’t happen, like:
You: I saw you write something down for the waiter. It better not have been your number!
Just make sure to get in and get out. Don’t feel the need to start a long text thread. I mean, it’ s fine if he does, but that shouldn’t be your goal. You’ ll come back for that in due time. Let. Things. Breathe. You want to land in a solid space between desperate and indifferent. It’s called, “Interested.”
If he’s not terribly available because he travels or deals with work issues that take up a lot of his time you may end up texting a good bit before the next date. If so, it’ s okay to send in check-in texts. But don’t ask him how he’s doing. I know you actually do care about it, but it’s not a very interesting question to ask over text.
You: How has your week been?
See? There’ s not much you can do with that. In fact, all you’ll do is generate a programmed response like, “Good, how was yours?” And there you go again, being so boring he’ ll start naming his yawns after hurricanes. Only go this route if you’re confident he’s into you as much as you are into him (because at that point, it doesn’t really matter what you text as long as you’re not being a jerkette).
So what should you write in the check-in text? Anything that will make him smile and take his mind off the daily grind. Like…
Post-Date Texting: If The Date Did Not Go Well, But You Want Another
Christ, what did you do? Show up with your mom? A bad or awkward first date is touchy territory. You know things didn’t go well, and you’re sure he felt the same. But you’re still interested in him. Maybe it was all your fault. You got too drunk. Or you turned into the MVP of TMI. Or you questioned his career choice/religion/reason for living. Bottom line: You blew it but want a second shot.
The first thing you have to do is address your faux pas. Don’t gloss it over. If you don’t acknowledge what you did wrong he won’t just think you’ re a bitch/clinger/whatever. He’ ll think you’re an unaware bitch/clinger/whatever. Bring it up in a humorous way. Fall on the grenade and give him a chance to laugh at you, not with you.
Did you inadvertently criticize his appearance?
You: Did I actually say you looked good for your age? That was the wine getting my tongue drunk. For the record, I think you’re gorgeous, period.
Or did you…
If The Date Didn’t Go Well And You Don’t Want Another—But He Does
This is tricky stuff. On the one hand, not sending him a post-date text is hurtful if not downright rude. On the other hand, any acknowledgement of the date is a signal of interest, which will make him think you’ re interested in a second date, which you’ re not. The answer? Depends. If you split the tab: Silence. If he paid: A short thank you text with no opening for him to ask you out again.
In either case, do not offer your rejection unless you’ve been asked about your feelings:
You: I had a great time but I wasn’t feeling it. Thanks for dinner, though!
Really, Cruella De Ville? Why don’t you take a hatchet to his heart? There’s enough cruelty in the dating world; you don’t need to add to it. Do not offer a rejection unless he asks you out again.
What if he texts before you have a chance to fire off a thank you? What if he asks you out again? Wait a day or so (the silence will be a signal that a rejection is coming) and write something to this effect:
“I had a great time too but to be honest, I didn’t feel much of a romantic connection.
I’m hoping we can continue the good times as friends.”
You should do this for a few important reasons. First and foremost, it makes you a better woman. A better woman does not shy away from an awkward moment. She does not…
How To Turn Him Into A Friend With Benefits
Why would you need advice on turning a guy into an FWB? Isn’t no-strings sex what most men want anyway? Don’t you just need to be direct (“Come over; I want you to hit this thing”)?
Yes and no. Not every guy is into no-strings sex. And even the ones that are don’t necessarily want the female version of the loud drunk hitting on girls at the bar. Plus, some guys consciously resist sex with a girl they like if they think it’ll ruin their chances of dating them. All of this argues for an intelligent approach to adding that notch to your lipstick case. Let’s start with the most important aspect of no-strings sex: Keeping yourself safe.
I don’t care if you’re as chaste as a nun or if you’ve been ridden more times than the town bicycle, the first step to a satisfying FWB relationship is settling the “Is He A Psycho” concern. Now, it’s true that a lot of party girls don’t much care about putting themselves in potentially dangerous situations because that’ s part of the thrill. Take my friend Susie. Three guys busted into her apartment and she was charged with sexual assault. Every text she sends sounds like a Category 5 blowjob. If you’re a Susie I’m proud of you—women should claim, own and revel in their own personal brand of sexuality. But even the Susies need to be careful about keeping themselves safe. I mean, having a friend with benefits is great. Having that friend be Jeffrey Dahmer is not.
So how do you address the safety concern?
If you’ve met him twice (the first time when he got your phone number and the second time when you went on a date) you’ve gotten a chance at sizing him up and giving your intuition enough information to settle the safety issue and go forward with a hookup. So, quit reading and hook up with him, already! But if you haven’t? You should ask yourself the same questions I posed earlier about accepting a date without a phone call:
Fantastic Emoticons That Will Make Him Laugh
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