How To Relax Your Sphincter Enough To Use A Prostate Massager

You can’t use a prostate massager if your sphincter is so tight it won’t let the toy in. So the first order of business about prostate massage is to learn how to relax your sphincter.

Let’s start with butt anatomy. Why does sticking even a finger up there feel like you’re being impaled by a fence post?

You Have Two Sphincters.

You may only have one anus but there are two connecting sphincters surrounding it. They are distinct but overlapping bands of muscle tissue. And while they serve the exact same function (regulating grand openings and final close-outs) they go about it in different ways. You are most familiar with the external sphincter because you can order it to tighten and release.

Here, try it. Squinch your starfish by using the muscles to stop yourself from peeing. Got it? Tighten, release, tighten, release. Now, this time with feeling! Tighten, release. Now do five fast tightens. Get it? You can boss that part of your butt around. Feel like taking a crap but there’s no bathroom around? No problem. You can will your external sphincter not to open. At least for a while.

But the internal sphincter? You can’t tell it to do shit. And I mean that in every sense of the word. You are not its boss. Like your blood pressure and heartbeat, you cannot directly control it.

Do this: Put your hands in front of you as if you’re praying. Now intertwine your fingers down to the webbing and press your palms together as tight as you can. Now keep everything connected and completely relax both hands.

Notice the small opening between the side of your thumb and your index finger? This is the opening to your anus. If somebody tried to poke their finger through that opening it would feel snug but it’d go in pretty easy.

Now tighten both hands as hard as you can. The left hand is the internal sphincter you cannot directly control. The right hand is the external sphincter you can. Keeping the left hand tight as a drum, completely relax your right hand. Your right hand (external sphincter) is relaxed so a slight opening was created. But your left hand (internal sphincter) is so tight that it won’t let a poking finger through very easily.

Basically, the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. Or more accurately, the left hand doesn’t care what the right hand is doing. The internal and external sphincter can and often do work independently of each other. In order to make penetration smooth and effortless both sphincters have to get on the same page. In the next section, you’re going to learn how to do that, but first, let’s talk about another pain in the ass.

Did you know that there is a third point of pain? It’s located across the entire puborectal region, and it’s caused by a simple law of nature.

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Your Body Automatically Contracts When You Insert Something Into It.

The puborectal region is not used to being penetrated. It will interpret the penetrating object as an invading army that must be repelled. All the muscles, fibers and tissues in the area will contract when you insert a foreign object and make it exceedingly difficult to reach your prostate. These contractions are simply the body trying to protect itself. We’ll talk later about how to neutralize this natural reaction, but for now…

Let’s Review.

You have three potential points of pain:

The Internal And External Sphincters.

They work together (and apart) to keep things in or out. Sometimes they work independently of each other, which is a bummer because it makes complete relaxation a bit trickier. Think of your hands clasped together tightly. If one hand loosens but the other doesn’t, it’s harder to get a finger through the hole. If both hands loosen the finger slides in easily. It’s fairly easy to relax your external sphincter because it obeys conscious command. The internal sphincter? Not so much. Your challenge is to relax both sphincters so that a penis can get through them without causing pain.

The S Curve Caused By The Puborectal Sling.

Even if you get past the gatekeeping sphincters, you have to deal with the S curve in your rectum caused by the puborectal sling. It forces the lower end of the rectum to curve toward the navel, thus creating a situation where the incoming penis hits the anal wall almost perpendicularly. The pain will make you wish impotence on your partner. Think of a highway guardrail curving into the middle of the road. Less road and more guardrail means the car is bound to hit the barrier and cause some damage.

The Puborectal Contractions.

The body knows that the best way to repel an invading force is to shut everything down tightly. Because the puborectal region is only used to things going out of it, the attempt to put something into it is going to be met with withering skepticism. Muscles in the surrounding area will clamp down hard and make you pay dearly for your impertinence.

These are the three pain points that stopped you from reaching your prostate or will stop you if you attempt it without having a strategy that addresses them. Fortunately, we are about to do that.

“Relax! Relax!”

How many times have you said it to yourself? Telling someone to relax without showing them how is counter-productive. It actually increases anxiety and tension because on top of not relaxing you feel like a failure for not being able to relax!

Tension is a main source of pain. When an object is forcefully inserted into a tense, clenched, tightly wound, clamped down set of muscles and tissue, it will damage, tear and bruise the area. But if the area is completely relaxed, an incoming object meets little to no resistance and slides in easily and without pain.

But how do you go from clenched and clamped to calm and relaxed? Think nice thoughts? Distract yourself? Count to ten? Breathe? How? Most of us do not have any idea how to calm ourselves to the point of complete relaxation, especially when we’re experiencing stress.

You don’t need to be told to relax. You know that. One major reason you’ve failed is that a great deal of the puborectal region, like the internal sphincter, does not respond to conscious attempts at relaxation. What you need is a disciplined approach that shows you how to relax muscles that won’t listen to you.

Let’s start by examining why so much of your butt tension is (seemingly) beyond your ability to control it. Do this: Tighten your sphincter as hard as you can right now for a count of five seconds. Notice how clamped down it feels. Now relax. Feels like you controlled your sphincter, no?

That’s a trick question, because as you already know, you have two sphincter muscles, not one. The whole time you were clamping down on your external sphincter your internal sphincter was chillin’ on the couch, sipping a beer, blithely unaware that its twin brother was being throttled. The external sphincter does not respond to your commands because like your heart beat, it’s governed by the autonomic nervous system.

You can’t make your heart beat faster by telling it to hurry up, but you can do things that result in a faster heartbeat (like pushups). We’re going to use this same concept with your internal sphincter, as well as that other involuntary pain point—the puborectal sling. You can’t will them to relax but you can do things that will result in relaxation.

The best way to consciously relax your external sphincter is, oddly enough, to tighten it. That’s because the first step to relaxation is awareness of its opposite–tension. This is a key concept: Your sphincter will relax more if you make an effort to tense it first.

“Kegels” are exercises that will help you achieve this tension/relaxation dynamic. They will not only help your sphincter relax, they’ll also make your erections harder, give you more control of your ejaculations and deliver more powerful orgasms. Named after the doctor that discovered the benefits of exercising the pubogenital muscles, Kegels don’t just stimulate the sphincter muscles, but everything around them—the anal canal, the rectum, the prostate, and the puborectal sling. They’ll make you more aware of your body and give you more control over the levers of relaxation. Before I show you how to do them, let’s review what we know about your sphincter “twins.”

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Your anus has two ring-like muscles that overlap and function independently of each other. The external sphincter is closest to the anal opening and with just a little conscious effort you can tense or relax it whenever you want. Because the external sphincter responds to conscious thought, you don’t really need instructions on how to relax it. But you do need to tone it so that it can loosen more fully, and the best way to do that is to do Kegels. Here are the steps:

Step 1: Find Your Kegel Muscles.

They’re the muscles that stop the flow of urine in mid-stream.

Step 2: Contract And Release.

Squeeze the muscles you use to stop peeing, then release. Do ten in a row, three times a day. Then gradually increase the number of contractions.

Step 3: Vary The Exercises.

Try ‘The Flutter’ (tighten and let go quickly) and the ‘Pinch and Hold’ (tighten and don’t let go till you count to fifteen).

Step 4: Vary The Positions.

Start by sitting or standing but then try it while lying on your back or side or even while squatting. Different positions tone the muscle quicker.

Step 5: Add Weight Training.

Put a towel on your erect penis and do the contractions. You want bragging rights? Do them with wet towels.

Step 6: Do Them When You’re Hard.

Squeezing the PC muscles when you get an erection makes your penis jerk up. Hold a finger about an inch above your penis and flex hard enough to touch it 10 times in a row.

The cool thing about “Kegels” is that you can do them anywhere—driving, walking, watching TV, doing dishes, or knitting a doily. No one will ever know. About the exercises I mean, not the knitting. Don’t expect overnight success. While it should only take a couple of weeks to heighten the sphincter’s relaxation response, it takes four to six weeks of daily exercise (aim for at least 100 contractions) to see the other benefits, like stronger erections and more intense ejaculations.

Kegels Will Help You Shoot Further.

Orgasms happen via a spinal cord reflex that causes strong rhythmic contractions in the urogenital system. They’re ruled by the urethra, the prostate and the pubogenital muscles as they involuntarily contract. You can’t do anything to strengthen the urethra or the prostate other than having frequent orgasms, but the puborectal muscles? Kegels can make them stronger, which in turn make orgasmic contractions more forceful, which then propel the semen out of the urethra faster.

Why Relaxing Your Internal Sphincter Is So Crucial

Now that you’re toning the puborectal muscles with Kegels, it’s time to train our attention on the internal sphincter, which again, does not respond to conscious efforts at relaxation. It’s critical to get this involuntary muscle to relax because if you don’t, there is a high likelihood that you may cause bleeding.

Anal “pillows” are attached to the internal sphincter through connective tissue and muscle fibers. They inflate with blood to help prevent the brown stuff from coming out when you don’t want it to. They also inflate with blood as an initial blocking reaction to something going in.

When these pillows partially drain they allow a smooth, healthy dump as well as the safe insertion of a finger or man-made object. But forcefully trying to insert an object through a tense internal sphincter ruptures these blood-filled anal pillows, and oh, dear, there goes the sheets. It isn’t just sex that ruptures the anal pillows—it’s also straining on the toilet. In fact, if you see blood in the toilet water or on toilet paper when you wipe, it’s a safe bet you ruptured the anal pillows.

The only way to make sure blood drains from these pillows is to relax the internal sphincter. If the internal sphincter is not relaxed, the anal cushions congest with blood. When something is forced out you get hemorrhoids (protrusions from the anal cushions) or fissures (tears or cracks in the anal lining). When something is forced in, well, red is a wonderful color on you, I’m sure.

How To Relax Your Sphincter Enough To Use A Prostate Massager

Systematic Desensitization.

Tension equals pain. Relaxation provides pleasure. Doing your Kegels will build the foundation of the relaxation response—a supple, toned external sphincter that obeys on command. While that helps the entire pubogenital area, we have to pay special attention to your internal sphincter. We must train it to perceive the insertion of a finger or a toy as a sign of desirability not danger.

Systematic desensitization is a scientifically proven way to decrease tension and increase relaxation. It’s a way of gradually conditioning your body to accept certain sensations without experiencing pain. Notice the emphasis on the word gradual. For example, if you want to use your finger to explore yourself, systematic desensitization argues that you wouldn’t pitch your finger through your sphincter like a toilet plunge (ouch!). Instead, you insert it an eighth of an inch, wait until all sensations disappear, go in another eighth of an inch, wait, then go another eighth of an inch until before you know it you’ve inserted half of the Eiffel Tower in your rectum without a single painful moment!

Pattern Breathing.

Breath isn’t just the cornerstone of relaxation, but the foundation of life. It’s the first thing you do when you’re born and the last thing you do when you die. When you’re stressed (like, oh, I don’t know, expecting excruciating pain during anal intercourse) you will experience restricted and shallow breathing. The chest barely rises during inhalation, doesn’t extend into the abdomen, and the exhalation is rarely complete. Shallow, fast breathing is a sign of muscle tension. It operates on a dual feedback loop: Tension causes shallow breathing, which causes more tension, which causes more shallow breathing.

Deep, slow breathing, on the other hand, is a sign of relaxation. It too operates on a feedback loop: Relaxation causes deep, slow breaths which causes more relaxation which causes more deep, slow breaths. Think about it: What is your breath like when you’re anxious or fearful? Shallow and fast. What is your breath like when you first wake up? Deep and slow.

Notice your breathing when you’re in a stressful situation and you’ll come to understand something yoga masters have known for centuries:

Constricted breathing causes muscle tension.

Notice your breathing when you’re relaxed and you’ll come to understand the flip side of this observation:

Expanded breathing causes muscle relaxation.

We’re going to use this concept of constriction/expansion to help you relax both sphincters. Here, take it for a test run: Inhale deeply and fully (through your nose) for a slow count of four. When you reach the end of the inhalation, pause for a full second. Now exhale for a slow count of six. When you reach the end of the exhale pause for a full second. Then inhale for a count of four and start the process again. Do this three and four times and you’ll notice a subtle wave of relaxation extending throughout your body. If you don’t feel it, don’t worry, you will with practice. Pattern breathing won’t just help with relaxing your sphincter muscles, it will help you release tension in every area of your life, whether it’s waiting to get a flu shot or standing in line at the post office.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

Now for the conscious and deliberate tightening and releasing of the sphincter muscles. As stated before, the best way to fully relax any muscle is to first tighten it as hard as you can before releasing it slowly. It’s the law of opposites, like light and dark. You cannot fully know darkness until the sun hits your face and vice versa. Progressive muscle relaxation operates on the same basis. You can get muscles to relax more by first increasing the tension. When you release the tension there’s a more dramatic experience of relaxation. Do this: Without moving, note the tension in your shoulders. Now physically try to relax the shoulders. Couldn’t tell much difference, could you? Now, tense your shoulders by bringing them to your ears and hold it for thirty seconds. Now relax your shoulders. Do you see how much more noticeable the release of tension feels? We are going to use this concept, this law of opposites, on your rectal muscles and you’re going to be amazed at the results.

Ready To Put It All Together in a Test Drive?

Step 1: Put lube on your finger and your anal opening.

It doesn’t matter what kind of lube or which finger you use.

Step 2: Gently press your finger against the anal opening.

Do not insert. Just keep your finger pressed gently but firmly on the opening to your anus. Stay here for a few moments and let your finger feel what’s happening to the external sphincter. Notice what thoughts you have. Make sure, however, that you’re pressing on, not just touching, the sphincter. Again, press but don’t insert.

Step 3: Take Three Practice Pattern Breaths.

Get your body in sync with pattern breathing. Inhale deeply (through your nose only) to a slow count of four. Keep the inhalation steady. In other words, don’t use up three quarters of your inhale by the time you reach a count of two. Keep the inhalation at a steady pace. At the end of the inhalation pause for a full second. Then exhale (through your nose) for a count of six. Why six seconds and not four? Studies show this is the optimal breath pattern for muscle relaxation. Again, pace yourself so the exhale is steady throughout the six seconds. At the end of the exhale, pause for a full second, then repeat the cycle.

Do this three times. Right before the fourth inhale, bring your attention to your finger, which is gently, but firmly pressed against your anal opening. Then…

Step 4: Inhale to a count of four while tightening your sphincter as hard as you can.

Keep your finger gently pressed, but not inserting into, your anus. Keep a steady count to four until you get to the end of the inhale. Pause for a second and…

Step 5: Relax your sphincter as you exhale.

Remember to exhale to a count of six. You are not pushing your finger in during the exhale—your sphincter is relaxing onto the finger, which is gently but firmly placed against it. Only draw in as far as the exhale/relaxation allows. If you feel discomfort or pain, you’ve just violated your No Pain Contract, so back off. Remember, you should never feel pain. Pain is a signal you’re doing it wrong—you’re either pressing too hard or going in too fast.

How much of your finger got drawn in? An inch? One eighth of an inch? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you just experienced the secret to pain-free bottoming:

You don’t insert a penis into your rectum; you relax onto it.

This is an important concept to understand and apply. Inserting an object into the anal canal guarantees a tightening of the sphincter muscles. But relaxing onto it guarantees a loosening of them. Do this: Palm down, clench your left fist tight, tight, tight. Now try to force the index finger of your right hand into your clenched fist. Make it a battle. Notice the clenched fist will win. Now, press the index finger gently but firmly against the clenched fist without trying to force it in. Inhale to a count of four as you clench the fist as tight as you can. Now, loosen the clenched fist as you exhale to a count of six. Notice how a bit of your finger went in without actually having to forcefully insert it? This concept works with your fist and it works with your sphincter muscles. Again:

Don’t insert something into your butt; allow your butt to draw it in.

This release downward/contract upward process facilitates an interesting anatomical phenomenon: A small vacuum that literally sucks a part of the finger in.

To fully experience this small vacuum try doing Steps 1-5 while you squat all the way down to the floor, balancing on the balls of your feet, with your knees forming a “V.” Notice that a lot more of your finger gets drawn in and on a quicker pace. But what I really want you to feel is the suction that gets created when your sphincters relax.

This is all worth explaining again: You inhale as you press your finger onto but not into your consciously clinched sphincter. Then you exhale to relax the sphincter onto your finger. Your body will start to understand (and react favorably) to the rhythm—inhale to tighten, exhale to loosen. Inhale to tighten, exhale to loosen. Once again:

You are not inserting your finger; you are drawing it in.

Now that you have your finger up your ass, let’s move on.

Let Your Sphincter Get Used To The Presence Of Your Finger.

Once you draw your finger in (no matter how little), keep it there without moving. As your anus realizes it’s not under attack you will feel the sphincter muscles relaxing further. If you really pay attention you’ll feel both sphincters. They feel like two separate rings with about a quarter of an inch of flesh between them. Squeeze and relax your anus. Notice that the external sphincter relaxes on command while the internal sphincter does not. You can actually feel it tightening and relaxing spontaneously in pulses, as if it had a mind of its own. Don’t do anything, just notice it.

Keep your finger in there long enough and you’ll physically feel the internal sphincter—the one that does not obey conscious commands– relax around your finger. Feel it? You just experienced a great lesson: If you’re patient enough the muscles you can’t consciously control will unconsciously release. It’s a simple law of physics. Do this: Clench your fist as hard as you can. Keep it tightly clenched as long as you can. You’ll notice that after a period of time the muscle simply gives out. It cannot sustain the same level of tension forever. This brings us to another key concept in pain-free bottoming:

Your internal sphincter will relax if you let it let go.

This requires patience, of course. But you saw “first hand” how the internal sphincter released on its own if you stayed still long enough. Okay, let’s keep going. At this point your sphincter muscles should be so used to the inserted finger that you literally can’t feel much of anything.

Step 6: Inhale as you clench your sphincter around your finger.

Remember, to a count of four—through your nose at a steady pace. Keep your finger pressing (but not inserting further) against the clenched sphincter muscles. As you reach the end of the inhale, pause for a second, then…

Step 7: Exhale as you release the sphincter muscles, allowing them to draw in more of your finger.

Notice that a tiny bit more of your finger got drawn in. Remember, you signed a no-pain contract. If you feel pain, BACK OFF.

Step 8: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Repeat steps 1-7 until your sphincter muscles have drawn in your entire finger or you simply want to stop because you don’t want to miss the next episode of Family Guy. Stop whenever you feel like it. Why? Because you said so, that’s why. You are in control over every aspect of bottoming and your practice sessions are no exception. Besides, it’s better to quit and think you could have gone further than to continue and think you went too far. This is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.

Practice, Practice, Practice.

Do it for just a few minutes. Do it in different places (bedroom, shower) and different positions (on your back, on your side, on all fours, squatting). You’ll notice that your finger goes in comfortably a little bit further every day. This is because each day you’re stretching the sphincter muscles just a smidge, and like any muscle that gets stretched, it becomes more flexible, supple and relaxed. Try moving your finger in a circular motion while it’s in there. Experiment with in and out and back and forth motions. There is no right or wrong, only what you like or don’t like. Find out.

Once you can get your finger in completely without any discomfort whatsoever, experiment by gently pressing on different points of the anal canal. Did I mention gently? Remember, a quarter of an inch feels like a foot and half in your ass.

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Now that you can relax enough to get a finger or two up there, what do you say we graduate to a prostate massager? See our article How To Use A Prostate Massager.