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How To Get Your Ass Clean Enough For a Prostate Massage
Secrets To Getting Your Butt Cleaner Than A Brady Bunch Rerun.
We cannot have a conversation about keeping yourself clean while doing a prostate massage without a full understanding of a delicate subject: How you eliminate waste from your body.
The fear of leaving muddy tire tracks on the sheets when using a sex toy is based on a misconception that feces are stored in the rectum. In fact, they are not. Feces are stored in the sigmoid colon, which sits above the rectum.
The only time your rectum fills with stool is when the sigmoid colon fills up and needs to release it. Through a combination of anatomical structure, neural switches and reflex triggers it is impossible for stool to remain in your rectum. Now, often there is residue, for sure, and we’ll talk about that later in the chapter.
But for now, know that your rectum is a pipeline, not a storage device. It is the Panama Canal between the sigmoid colon and your sphincter. Ships can only pass through; they cannot anchor.
Let’s take a look at why. It’ll be helpful to see a diagram of how the sigmoid colon (where the last stages of fecal matter are produced) attaches to the rectum. Click here for some enlightening diagrams: http://bit.ly/S0WM9e.
The sigmoid colon releases waste (stool) to the rectum when the body is ready for elimination and only when it is ready. There are several ways the body makes sure that things don’t ‘slip’ into the rectum accidentally. First, the juncture between the sigmoid colon and the rectum lies at ninety degrees. The sigmoid colon is horizontal where it meets the rectum, which lies on a more vertical plane. This sharp angle stops feces from entering the rectum on their own. “Security” is reinforced by a sphincter muscle between the sigmoid and the rectum (Christ, how many sphincters do we have in our bodies!). In its natural state this sphincter is constricted and thus acts as the gatekeeper. It remains tightly shut unless it receives a command from headquarters.
As fecal content grows in the sigmoid colon it exerts pressure on this sphincter muscle. This triggers one of many involuntary “defecation reflexes” and signals the sigmoid sphincter to open up and let the fecal content into the rectum. The entry of feces into the rectum distends the rectal wall. There, stretch receptors trigger signals to the descending and sigmoid colon to increase peristalsis (the involuntary constriction and relaxation of the muscles, creating wavelike movements that push the fecal contents forward). These “waves” of movement pass through all the way to the anus, causing the puborectal sling to loosen, straightening the S curve in your rectum, and causing the internal sphincter (remember him, the one who doesn’t obey your orders to relax?) to completely relax (the bastard!).
But defecation only happens once you release the external sphincter, which you have conscious control of. When you can’t find a bathroom (and you’d rather not relieve yourself on the carpet) you can clench your external sphincter to keep it from happening. You will also be aided by the sling, which acts as “continence muscle” that stops you from farting or taking a shit in the middle of a cocktail party. When you need to go but can’t, the sling responds to the pressure by contracting, which holds the feces back until you have the opportunity to find a bathroom.
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If you’re able to prevent defecation long enough by consciously clenching your external sphincter, the stool in the rectum is often returned to the colon by reverse peristalsis, temporarily reducing pressure in the rectum (deactivating the stretch receptors). The stool is then stored in the sigmoid colon until the transverse and descending colon, which connects to the sigmoid from above, triggers the next peristalsis movement. You only want to delay defecation in cases when there are no bathrooms or you’re stuck in some circumstance that prevents you from accessing one. If defecation is delayed long enough, the fecal matter may harden and oh, dear, you’ll get as constipated as Ru Paul when he’s out of drag.
So what does all this have to do with prostate massages? A lot. First, understanding the process of elimination helps reassure you that the rectum does not store feces. This should put you at ease: You will not release a shit bomb if you massage your prostate, which is located behind the anal wall.
Second, there are parallels between elimination and insertion. If you want objects to make a smooth entrance, it behooves you to understand how they make a graceful exit. For example, let’s take that sling inside you. It pulls the lower rectum forward toward the belly button up to 90 degrees, creating an S curve. The tighter the sling, the more pronounced the S curve. The sling prevents things from leaving the rectum (it’s one of the reasons you strain in the toilet) and prevents things from entering it (it blocks foreign objects with the rectal wall). So let’s study how the sling releases for elimination because we can use that knowledge to release it during insertion.
During defecation the sling loosens so much it decreases the S curve from almost ninety degrees to 15 degrees (almost straight) causing the external sphincter to relax involuntarily. If you can master that loosening of the sling during sex, massaging will be a breeze. While you cannot consciously relax the puborectal sling, there are positions that naturally straighten it. Positions like the ones you take when you go to the bathroom.
Normally, you sit on the toilet with hips and knees at about a right angle. It’s known as the “Catcher’s position” because it’s so close to the position baseball catchers take during a game. But since toilets were only invented in the nineteenth century, a good part of the world doesn’t use the “catcher’s position” for elimination. They use a “squatting toilet” (fancy for a hole in the ground). This forces you to squat all the way down to your ankles.
Many proctologists believe that the catcher’s position we use in the western world creates bowel movement problems because it does not sufficiently loosen the puborectal sling. This keeps the S curve fairly pronounced, causing many people to strain in the bathroom. In fact research shows people strain three times greater in a sitting position than a squatting one.
Whoa, whoa! Enough of this shit!
What does all this discussion about defecation postures have to do with prostate massages? Again, the S curve that makes it harder for things to go out your butt is the same S curve that makes things hard for things to go in it. The “catcher’s position” you take on the toilet is most like the missionary position in bed— on your back with knees raised at ninety degrees to your torso. That straightens the S sling a bit but not by a lot. But the squatting position significantly straightens out the S curve. And that is why you should start massages by squatting rather taking the missionary position. You will be shocked at how much easier a massager goes in this way. Why? Because squatting releases the sling, which straightens the S curve.
This also brings us to another point worth mentioning. Many guys feel like they have to defecate when a toy enters their rectum. Why is that? If you review the early part of this chapter you’ll remember that the rectum has “stretch sensors.” When the rectum is full, stretch receptors fire, giving you the feeling that you have to take a dump. When a toy enters the rectum, it sets off these stretch sensors, in the way your cat might set off the fire alarm. In other words, that feeling that you have to take a dump? It’s a false alarm. This sensation will wane as your rectum learns to re-interpret the presence of a toy.
The Best Way To Get Yourself Clean.
Although the anal canal and rectum are not storage devices for feces, it’s not exactly like you can eat off your anus like it were Aunt Edna’s kitchen floor. In our post on relaxing your sphincter you’ll note that when you pull your finger out, it’s mostly clean but it won’t win the starring role in a Purell commercial. Like a good courtroom lawyer, you will always find evidence that a grime was committed. And if you do some finger excavating to root out the brown evil you will note that while there is no fudge, there might be sludge and even the occasional brown booger. How can you get yourself clean? Like most problems, the best way to solve this one is to avoid it in the first place.
Improve Your Diet.
Does your underwear look like Jackson Pollock aimed his ass at the canvas and yelled, “FIRE!”? Does your rectum look like it hosted a NASCAR event? If you do a little finger mopping up there and come out with more than just a faint residue (there will always be a little) you can bet the culprit is your diet. Specifically, you are not eating enough fiber or drinking enough water. Fiber is responsible for:
Keeping your shit together. Soluble fiber (like bananas) dissolves in water but isn’t digested, so it absorbs excess liquid in the colon, forms a thick gel and adds lots of bulk to your feces as it parades up Intestinal Hill and down to Rectum Road.
Shaping your shit.
Ever see those old videos of Tokyo transit police pushing passengers in with those sort of giant Schwab sticks so they can squeeze more people into the train? That’s what insoluble fiber (like broccoli) does. Since it won’t dissolve in water and can’t be absorbed by the body, it passes through your stomach essentially intact, compacting brown “passengers” into the intestinal train and giving them the best shape to go through the colon and out your anus without breaking off and leaving unwanted specimens.
Fiber Is Your Ticket To Cleanliness.
By “bulking up” waste matter and shaping it for easier transit, fiber ensures that feces leave the rectum and anal canal virtually intact, leaving you with just a smidge of sludge, a slight residue that’s easy to clean with just a little finger mopping. The problem is that you most likely suffer from a serious fiber deficiency. How do I know? Because the American Dietetic Association says so. Take a look at their stats:
Recommended Fiber Intake For Men: 30-38 grams*
Average Fiber Intake For Men: 10-15 grams
* Some experts believe it should be as high as 60 grams.
Think about this—the average guy eats less than half the recommended amount of fiber! And then they wonder why their rectum looks like a landfill? Remember, there is no clean rectum without fiber adding bulk to the waste in your colorectal system and shaping it for easy transit out of your anus. Your mission, should you decide to accept a clean rectum, is to consistently eat about 40 grams of fiber a day. Here are a few tips on how to do that through diet alone:
Eat foods that are high in soluble fiber.
Soluble fiber dissolves easily in water, forming a gel-like substance that absorbs water and makes the bowel contents stickier, which binds more waste to it. This slows the speed that foods move through the stomach, making you feel fuller longer and helping you maintain or lose weight. The slow transit time is incredibly helpful if you suffer from diarrhea. Soluble fiber also softens your stool so it can pass through your system more comfortably. It also lowers the levels of LDL cholesterol and improves your ability to control your body’s blood glucose level. What’s not to like? Examples of soluble fiber: bananas, apples, brown rice, white beans.
Eat foods that are high in insoluble fiber.
Insoluble fiber doesn’t dissolve in water. In fact, it passes through your intestines intact and that’s why it increases stool bulk. It’s also why it accelerates transit time, relieving constipation. Examples of insoluble fiber: Kale, lentils, pears.
Now, if you’re reading this carefully you’ll note the following:
Soluble fiber slows transit time, relieving diarrhea.
Insoluble fiber speeds transit time, relieving constipation.
How can this be? Will fiber confuse your body, making your rectum shit or go blind? No, soluble and insoluble fiber are the answer to both diarrhea and constipation because they regulate digestion for smooth bowel movements.
Most fiber-rich foods contain both soluble and insoluble fiber, yet most food labels –and health sites—don’t make a distinction between the two and simply list the overall fiber content of a food. How can you find out which foods have the highest soluble and/or insoluble fiber? By clicking on this terrific chart by commonsensehealth.com. It’s by far the most useful fiber chart I’ve ever seen. Use it to balance the two types of fiber in your diet. You can also calculate the fiber in your meals by using WebMD’s dietary fiber calculator. Click here: http://www.webmd.com/diet/healthtool-fiber-meter.
What If Diet Alone Can’t Get You To Your Fiber Goals?
It’s much better to get fiber through your diet, but this being Fast Food Nation, it won’t hurt for you to take fiber supplements. The main drawback to supplements is that they lack the vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants you get from eating high fiber foods like fruits, whole grains, and beans.
The kind of fiber supplement (psyllium, methylcellulose, wheat dextrin) or brand (Konsyl, Metamucil, Citrucel, etc.) you take or the forms you take it (pills, powder, caplets, gummy bears) don’t really matter. They all behave in pretty much the same way. The most common source for fiber supplements is psyllium, which comes from the seeds of a plant species called Plantago Ovata. When the husk of these seeds is placed in water they expand in size and take on a gel-like consistency. This gel-like mass soaks up water and adds bulk to your stool.
In powder form these supplements taste like sawdust sprinkled with sweeteners. Fortunately, many come in pills and capsules, which is good because I know how much you like to swallow. I kid. Start with the minimum dosage in the bottle and work yourself up. S-L-O-W-L-Y. Too much fiber at one time can make you bloat, pass gas and create unenviable digestive issues. Remember, bedrooms are No Fart Zones. You don’t want to die of auto-not-so-erotic asphyxiation. A couple of things you should know about taking fiber supplements:
Spread your fiber intake throughout the day. Don’t take the full dose only at night. Spread it evenly throughout the morning, afternoon and bedtime.
Take medications at least one hour before fiber supplements or two hours after. Fiber is known to absorb certain medicines, diverting them from your body.
Drink lots of water. Did I say a lot? Because I meant A LOT. Drink at least eight ounces of water with every dosage.
What If You Have Stomach Problems?
A lot of men have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) that make their rectums a little more, ahm, messier than they like. If this seems embarrassingly true for you, we recommend three things:
The Fiber Supplement Proven To Help IBS.
Calcium polycarbophil has been proven to regulate diarrhea, constipation, bloating and abdominal pain in patients suffering with IBS. Choose from the following brands and work up slowly from one gram a day to six: Fibercon, Konsyl, Fiber-tab, Fiber-Lax or Equalactin.
Even if you don’t have IBS you might consider using calcium polycarbophil, a synthetic form of fiber rather than psyllium, which is naturally occurring. You’d think the natural stuff would be better for you but calcium polycarbophil runs less of a risk of interacting with gut bacteria and producing unwanted gas.
A prebiotic is essentially food for probiotics (the “good bacteria” in your gut), which promote digestive health. The one that has the most science behind it is Inulin. Because it’s not digested or absorbed in the stomach it settles in the bowels where the “good” bacteria (probiotics) feed on it, thus improving bowel function (inulin is a natural compound found in a wide variety of fruits, vegetables and herbs). Brands with inulin include Metamucil Clear & Natural, Fiber-Choice, and Benefiber. Take as directed. Inulin stays in your gut and helps the “good” intestinal bacteria grow. You might want to consider taking psyllium along with inulin. Some studies show great promise in using both substances to help treat IBS.
Probiotics are “good” bacteria that reduce the growth of harmful bacteria and promote a healthy digestive system. Is that vague enough for you? While it’s true that probiotics are recognized as beneficial to the digestive system, there are 400 types of probiotic bacteria in your gut. The best known of the probiotics is Lactobacillus acidophilus, which is found in yogurt with live cultures. It is not known which probiotics (alone or in combination) work to actually remedy a malady like bloating or diarrhea. There is only one probiotic that shows great promise for people with IBS or moderate-to-severe stomach problems. It’s called Bifidobacterium infantis 35624. Several well-respected studies like this one (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15765388) from the National Center Of Biotechnology Information show that it significantly reduces abdominal pain/discomfort, bloating/distention, and bowel movement difficulty.
There is only one brand that sells Bifidobacterium infantis 35624. It’s called Align, and it’s sold pretty much at drug stores everywhere. Unfortunately, it’s the costliest probiotic out there. Fortunately, it’s also the most effective one, if you ask me. Within four weeks I experienced a noticeable, significant reduction in stomach problems.
How To Tell How Dirty Your Rectum Is Without Inserting A Finger.
Look down. Not at your underwear; the toilet. The size, shape and color of your poo will determine how much residue is left in your rectum. Let’s start with the sound your stools make as they hit the toilet water. I’d like to quote Dr. Mehmet Oz’s unforgettable observation:
“You want to hear what the stool, the poop, sounds like when it hits the water. If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, ‘plop, plop, plop,’ that’s not right because it means you’re constipated. It means the food is too hard by the time it comes out. It should hit the water like a diver from Acapulco hits the water [swoosh].”
After hearing the swoosh sound (hopefully) look down. Your stool should be an S shape. That signifies that the stool is firm enough that it doesn’t break off in little pieces, but soft enough so it doesn’t hurt coming out.
Don’t worry about the frequency of your bowel movement. It can be as often as three times a day or as infrequent as three times per week. There is no normal; only what’s normal for you. You’re better off paying attention to what the bowel movement smells like than anything else. Healthy bowel movements should not force the next person using the bathroom to wear a biohazard suit. Strong or foul smelling stool means there’s something wrong with what you’re eating.
The Fibrous Conclusion.
Fiber improves the passage of feces through your colon so that it comes out soft but firm, sweeping up stragglers and leaving no remnants in the rectum as it exits your anus. Fiber is not going to make the boys at Brita raise a glass of your butt spit and say, “Now THAT’S filtered water!” But it will ensure that you’ll never have an ugly “shit bomb” episode that scars you—and your lacy white curtains—for life.
A Device That’s Better Than A Douche Or An Enema.
Enemas and douches are a bad idea. Here’s a better one.
Let’s review. The rectum does not store feces. The sigmoid colon does. The rectum is the tunnel, the Panama Canal, if you will, between the sigmoid colon that stores feces and the anus, where it empties out of. While eating enough fiber guarantees safe passage without any nuggets snagging in the rectum, there will always be some residue. If fiber takes out 95% of the worry, there’s still that 5% that might make you think twice. Most people think that the only way to clean out those last few percentage points is to…
Go Behind Enema Lines.
But they’re wrong. Medical experts agree: Enemas are harmful. Pushing water or a mixture of water and chemicals up your bum creates a powerful peristalsis (accompanied by bloating and cramping) that “evacuates” everything in your lower intestinal tract. Medically, enemas are most commonly used to bring on bowel evacuation as a way of cleaning you out for a colonoscopy (an examination of the bowels with a fiber-optic camera). You can buy these kinds of enemas at drug stores (Fleet is the most popular brand. I love the name. It’s like the manufacturer bought a fleet of vehicles that drive the stool through the Holland Tunnel).
Do enemas work? Yes, you’ll never be cleaner in there (or up there, as the case may be). Should you do it? Absolutely not. Never, ever put chemicals up your butt without medical supervision. Even “harmless” chemicals like mild hand soap, baking soda or sodium phosphate can irritate the colon, cause cramping, and draw electrolytes from the body. But these dangers are entirely beside the point. If your rectum is so dirty that you have to hose it out, the answer isn’t a fire hydrant connection; it’s a better diet. Go back to the last chapter and put yourself on a fiber plan.
But What About Plain Water Douches?
Stay away from them. Douching could have some serious negative effects. First, frequent douching (even if it’s just plain water) may compromise the natural protective fluids and lining in your anus. An intact mucus layer protects your rectal tissues from abrasions, tears or cuts that could endanger your health. Studies show that frequent douching compromises the rectal mucosa leading to complications. There are actually two ways you can compromise the health of anal tissues—first by water removing some or all of the mucus layers and second, by poking yourself too hard with the insertion point of the douching device, which can cause microscopic tears.
Further, overuse of douching can seriously inhibit normal bowel movement. Water in the intestinal tract creates a downward peristalsis to evacuate it. Your body can lose its ability to create a natural peristalsis to evacuate your bowels, resulting in “douche dependency” to have a bowel movement. Meaning, you won’t be able to take a dump without douching first.
Perhaps the grossest aspect of douching is what’s called “residual liquid.” You know this term as “Anal leakage.” Yes, anal leakage will occur, often hours after you’ve finished douching. Let me state the obvious: Gravy is only good on mashed potatoes. If you absolutely insist on douching then do it rarely.
Using douches or enemas aren’t just unhealthy—they’re impractical. You have to wait two or three hours after your last meal and at least two hours before sex to avoid latent anal leakage.
Introducing The Best Way To Get Yourself Clean.
If enemas and douches pose too great a risk (and embarrassment) for frequent use, then how can you get yourself 100% clean? I’d like to introduce you to a device that will flush out fecal residue without the dangers of an enema or a douche:
The ear syringe.
Ear syringes hold about one ounce of water—enough to get the job done but far too little to remove rectal mucus or cause peristalsis and its consequent “douche dependency.” Here’s how to use it:
- Fill the ear syringe with warm water.
Apply lubrication to the tip (always use a soft-tipped syringe).
Insert into your anus gently.
Retain for a moment. Release.
Repeat until the rivers run clear.
Again, the ear syringe avoids the pitfalls of normal douches and enemas: It eliminates the possibility of loosening the protective layer of mucus, won’t cause “douche dependency” for bowel movements and oh, yeah, about that anal leakage thing—it removes the possibility of looking like your underwear got shot with a gravy gun. Get thee to a drug store, stat!
A Clean Conclusion.
Let’s review. The best way to get yourself clean is to eat a high-fiber diet. It will almost completely eliminate eyebrow and nostril-raising surprises because it forms stools that leave your body intact, leaving so little residue that just a little finger mopping in the shower will do the trick. As you will, too, I’m sure.
If you’re still uncomfortable with the tiny residue that might remain (you clean freak!), you can use an ear syringe with warm water to flush out your inner tiles. That leaves you virtually spotless.