self-conscious about my body in bedLet’s do a test: I want you to think about a part of your body you don’t like while reading aloud this sexual passage in Toni Morrison’s Beloved:

As soon as one strip of husk was down, the rest obeyed and the ear yielded up to him its shy rows, exposed at last. How loose the silk. How quick the jailed-up flavor ran free. No matter what all your teeth and wet fingers anticipated, there was no accounting for the way that simple joy could shake you. How loose the silk. How fine and loose and free.

It’s hard to hold on to the negative thought, isn’t it? Talking about one subject while thinking about another is like trying to have an interesting conversation while you’re watching a repeat of a dreadful show—you’re going to pay a lot more attention to the new dialogue than the old monologue.

Erotic talk—verbalizing all aspects of your sexual experience—doesn’t leave much space for your inner dialogue. Here’s why: Talking is participating, and participating gives your obsessive mind something else to focus on other than your appearance. And focusing less on your appearance is the first step in learning how to feel good about your body during sex.

Erotic talk isn’t just a diversion from your thoughts, of course. Just like talking about a delicious meal can make it tastier, erotic talk can make sex more appetizing.

If I Feel Awkward In Bed, How Can I Talk Sexy?

Most people think “talking dirty” is a vulgar, in-your-face, prison-style accounting of what you want to do behind closed doors. But it’s just as often a delicate, tender expression of your love. Talking erotically means different things in different contexts. It can deepen love or heighten lust.

It can help you access sexual fantasies, express your emotional bond, or simply reveal all that is naughty within you. It can be an observation you make of your partner’s body, a compliment of his lovemaking, a narrative of what’s going on, a preview of coming attractions, an anticipatory exclamation, a sigh, a moan, or a cry.

It’s an expression of what you like, a communication of what you want, or an appreciation of what was delivered. It’s the language of love and it can rise to the sky or descend to the gutter. It can be aggressive or tame, naughty or nice, instructive or illuminating. It is many things but it is always expressive.

Erotic talk starts before the clothes come off and doesn’t end until you pull the sheets over you. As you can see below, sexy talk brightens every phase of the sexual experience:


“I love running my fingers through your hairy chest.”

“You have amazing hands.”

“I want to kiss every inch of you.”


“I love watching your penis get hard.”

“I love it when you do that.”

“Do you like it when I touch myself here?”


“You taste so good I could do this forever.”

“You feel so good sliding in and out of me.”

“I love the sounds you make when you come.”


“That was amazing.”

“Hold me closer, I want to absorb everything we just did.”

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?”

Talking dirty doesn’t have to be dirty. As you can see, there’s a lot more to it than the lunatic ravings of a horny junkyard dog (although there is much to be said for that, too). Learning the art of sexy talk is easy. All you have to do is…

  • Notice the sensations in your body. Express them.
  • Ask for what you want. Talk about it.
  • Anticipate how good it’s going to feel. Breathe heavy.
  • Think about your fantasy. Voice it.
  • Notice his body. Compliment him.
  • Does it feel good? Tell him.
  • Do you like the way he’s touching you? Moan.
  • Are you getting wet? Groan.
  • Are you close? Announce it.

Erotic talk is about reflecting, creating, or intensifying passion through sounds and words. It’s caressing your lover with language. Erotic talk is an important part of rebuilding your sex life because…

Staying in the moment keeps you from staying in your judgments.

Staying present is a big challenge for women who have a poor body image. Seizures of self-judgment colonize your attention to the point that you can’t be in the here and now.

Talking is a powerful way of preventing your mind from wandering into toxic terrain because it forces you to stay in the moment. It can keep you from freezing up and becoming too self-conscious to have sex.

Besides, it makes sex fire on all five cylinders. Sex is terrific with taste, touch, sight, and smell, but talk brings it all together. A four-cylinder engine will take you where you want to go, but adding a fifth will get you there quicker and the ride will be more memorable.

Passionate sex is about creating and releasing energy. Talking is energy—in the form of noise vibrating in distinct patterns and pitches. You don’t just hear sound, you feel it.

There’s scientific backing for this. Speaking or hearing sexually charged words is known to spike dopamine transmissions in brain chemistry, triggering sexual excitement.

Erotic talking is a release of pent-up energy. It gives voice to our innermost desires in ways that our bodies can’t. It creates energy not just by the physical vibration or your emotional intent, but by prompting your partner to respond.

Energy feeds on energy. Every word you say builds a step your partner climbs up on. And everything he says builds a step for you to rise. Keep climbing. Heat rises. Sometimes words get in the way, but other times they pave the way.

In the next post, we’ll figure out what to do if someone’s mom didn’t teach them about saying nice things. In the meantime, tips on talking dirty without sounding like a bad porn script (unless you want to).

If you missed the last post, read it here.

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