The monkey chatter in your head prevents you from enjoying sex. It’s a nonstop diatribe about your thighs being too big or your stomach not being as flat as an ironing board.It’s punctuated by an obsession with your partner’s opinion of your body and an obsessive search for the best way to hide perceived flaws.
It’s punctuated by an obsession with your partner’s opinion of your body and an obsessive search for the best way to hide perceived flaws.
It takes over and prevents you from being in the moment and feeling pleasurable sensations.
You may not be able to fully eliminate the monkey chatter, but you can give it a stutter, a lisp, and maybe even a gag order by cultivating sensuality outside the bedroom. This will start helping you learn how to feel good about your body in bed.
What I mean by cultivating sensuality is training your body to expect, appreciate, and flourish from stimulating its senses. Doing so trains you to pay more attention to what you’re feeling than what you’re thinking—something you might have problems doing in the bedroom. When you’re afraid of being naked in front of him, you’re probably thinking too much.
My friend Shannon has a great outgoing voice mail message:
Hi. I can’t pick up the phone right now because I’m doing something I enjoy. I like doing it up and down, side to side, and all around. Sometimes I even like it a little rough. So I’ll give you a call when I’m through…brushing my teeth.
Sensuality is a celebration of sensation. Any sensation, even the fresh feeling of brushing your teeth. If my girlfriend can express that much sensuality in something as mundane as dental hygiene, can you imagine how sensual she is in other areas of her life? It’s no accident—sensuality warms the path to sexuality. Getting comfortable in the bedroom starts in your head.
How To Feel Good About Your Body In Bed
Cultivating sensuality is the enjoyment, expression, and—most importantly—pursuit of physically pleasing sensations. It’s easy to dismiss it as simply pampering yourself or being mindful of your surroundings. That is definitely part of it, but we’re aiming for something that directly addresses a major fault line in your sex life: your decreased ability to enjoy physical sensations because your mind is banging the gavel on your body.
Sensuality in many ways is the practice of letting go of criticism and judgment and surrendering thought to feeling. You don’t judge a bath towel when you feel its softness—you simply get lost in its softness.
When you began to live sensually, you cultivate gratitude for the pleasures your body can give you. But the most important thing about creating a space for pleasure is that it teaches you how to be in the moment.
Pleasure—whether it’s the smell of fresh coffee beans roasting or the breeze off the bay—directs your attention from your thoughts to your feelings.
The idea isn’t to stop, smell the roses, and call it a day. It’s to be conscious of pulling pleasure into your life on a daily basis. Mindfulness is certainly part of it.
Yes, you should take the time to look up at the sky and notice the clouds. Yes, you should feel the thickness and texture of a fabric, a book, or a flower petal. Yes, you should take a languid bath. Yes, you should drink a cup of tea with your eyes closed.
But what I’m talking about is far more than taking a minute out of your day to center yourself. It’s about living a consciously sensual life. It’s about looking at every aspect of your life and reordering it to throw out what doesn’t give you pleasure and introduce things that do.
The connection between cultivating sensuality and improving sexuality is very real. The five senses create emotional states. The best way to improve your mood isn’t to think pleasant thoughts; it’s to rearrange your circumstances so that your body experiences something pleasurable.
You can try to motivate yourself to go to the gym with positive thoughts all you want, but it’ll be a lot more effective to play the kind of music that changes your mood.
It’s the same thing with sex. It’s a lot easier to get and stay in the mood by firing up your senses than changing negative thoughts.
In the next post, are you sure you know what you like in bed? Let’s find out. In the meantime, what are the best scents for the bedroom?
If you missed the last post, read it here.