Anticipatory pain and the belief that backdoor sex is “wrong” can put your butt in a headlock. Here’s how to resolve the emotional blocks that stop you from trying or enjoying anal sex.
Preparing For Anal Sex
No amount of sphincter relaxation exercises, breathing patterns and desensitization techniques can overcome a paralyzing fear of rectal stimulation. Unless you come to terms with your fears, unless you start rejecting the demonstrably false belief that anal sex is “dirty” (in every sense of the word) and painful it will be very difficult for you to have anal sex pleasurably (if at all).
You can’t shut off long-held beliefs as if they were light switches, but you can make a lot of progress by questioning the assumptions you’ve internalized. Let’s start by asking a question.
Is Anal Sex “Dirty?”
Is the anal area off limits to the decent-minded? Is it a no-go area for self-respecting women? A lot of women see anal sex as something only porn stars, prostitutes and garden-variety sluts enjoy doing. They think it’s kinky, twisted, and to put it mildly, something Mom would never approve of. But where are those thoughts coming from? Part of it comes from a natural ambivalence toward the body’s natural functions. We are both fascinated with our feces (who doesn’t turn around to look at their bowel movement in the toilet?) and repulsed by them. There’s no getting around that feces pass through the anus and rectum so it’s only natural that we’d have an ambivalence toward those body parts. But as you’ll see later in this book, cleanliness is easy to achieve. So, if proper hygiene can be maintained and the anus is simply another orifice in our body, what then, stops women from trying anal sex? First and foremost is the fear of anal sex pain, but we’ll talk about that later. For now, let’s concentrate on the taboo that “good girls” don’t have anal sex. One way to work through this sex-negative belief is to question its authority as well as its validity. Who says “good girls” don’t? And who says you want to be a good girl? The taboo against anal sex is not a fact you received openly; it’s a fiction thrust upon you. All you have to do to realize you’re reading fiction is to close the book. And that’s something you should do with this taboo.
Of course, that can sometimes be hard to do. Sometimes the best way to deal with a taboo is to use its forbidden nature as an erotic allure. In his book, The Erotic Mind, Dr. Jack Morin conducted an in-depth analysis of peak sexual encounters—the hottest, most memorable erotic experiences—and found that 40% of them were based on “breaking the rules and flaunting taboos.”
In other words, consciously and intentionally breaking taboos (like having anal sex) can be a powerful aphrodisiac; a compelling “naughtiness” you can use as erotic fuel. Once you embrace your naughtiness (a term I define as being more sensuous and sexually versatile), there’s still one last emotional block you have to get past. Let’s take a look at…
How “Anticipatory Pain” Can Make Your Butt Tighter Than Two Coats Of Paint.
“Anticipatory pain” is a psychological term for the expectation of pain. It speaks to the emotional and physical consequences of this expectation. For example, if you are convinced that something will be painful, your body will tense up in the expectation of it. The more you believe that anal sex (or as I call it, “backdooring”) will hurt, the tenser your body will get. Your butt will clench for its safety as hard as it can. This expectation of pain contributes greatly to your inability to relax. If you’re convinced that backdooring is going to hurt like hell, how in God’s pajamas are you going to be relaxed enough to enjoy it? Imagine telling someone, “This is going to hurt worse than a motor-powered root canal, so just relax.” Right. That’s helpful. But that’s what you’re saying to yourself and as long as you keep saying it you’re destined for failure.
But wait, you say! You’ve heard horror stories from your friends and hell, it hurts even when you stick your pinky up there—how could a penis NOT hurt going in? Here’s how: Because the entire anus, from the sphincter to the anal canal to the rectum, is made up of incredibly supple, flexible muscle and tissue that, with the right conditioning, can stretch and expand way beyond its current size without causing harm or pain. To get a sense of the flexibility in your puborectal region, know this: During rectal surgery your anus can be safely stretched to the point that the surgeon’s hand can easily pass through the anal canal.
Let’s just hope the surgeon doesn’t get an attack of jazz hands during the procedure.
With the right conditioning your anal muscles can relax enough to easily accommodate a penis without any pain whatsoever. In the coming posts you’re going to learn a special new technique I developed to help you have anal sex without pain, but it won’t work if you’re saddled with the expectation of pain.