Disclosing a fantasy, no matter how trivial or dark, is a bit like a trapeze act–you jump off the ledge in complete vulnerability and
hope to hell your partner’s hands are there waiting for you when you come out of the flip.
Having a session of Fantasy Confessions requires an emotional safety net. It’s hard to talk about fantasies like domination and submission sex if you or your partner don’t feel safe. Agree to listen without judgment, shame or ridicule, and save the potentially troublesome fantasies for another session.
It’s best to build a reservoir of trust and safety before disclosing something that might be disturbing.
It’s one thing if your sexual fantasy is to make it with a goat herder; another with his herd. The first might evoke a chuckle, the second a pillow and sheets for the couch. How do you know where to draw the line on sharing? Easy. No mention of the illegal or the immoral. And, please, no goats.
Still, sometimes things slip out and once they’re out you have to deal with them. If they do, remember that the vast majority of ‘dangerous’ fantasies are just that–fantasies that don’t want to see the light of day in the real world. Most people who harbor illegal, immoral or otherwise shocking fantasies have them because they’re intrigued with the forbidden.
Often, it’s the unconscious mind harboring them as metaphors to get at what the conscious mind cannot access directly. And even when it’s not a metaphor or a vehicle to work something out, people who have darker imaginings want the liberation of experiencing it in their minds so they don’t have to deal with the real-life consequences.
They are arousing precisely because they are forbidden and would never allow themselves to actually do it.
If you hear a disturbing fantasy you could do worse than remembering that giving or experiencing a lover’s acceptance is one of the most healing aspects of being in a relationship.
Simply reaffirming love in the face of distressing news helps integrate the disowned parts of ourselves and deepen our emotional bonds.
If you liked this article, you’ll love our guide about sexual fantasies.
In the next post, we’ll get into submission and domination: what it is, and what it isn’t. In the meantime, check out some research into fantasies.
If you missed the last post, check it out here.