A husband and wife went to see a marriage counselor because they were unhappy about their sex lives. The therapist, in an attempt to find some common ground said, “Tell me anything the two of you have in common.”
The husband said, “Well, neither one of us sucks dicks.”
A lot of women look at penises and think of Mink Stole’s immortal words in the John Waters film, Female Trouble: “I wouldn’t suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls.”
Please, God, I hope you’re not one of them. But if you are, no worries, because this post is going to help you overcome your aversion to giving head.
So Why Do You Hate It?
It’s important to understand that you inherited much of your dislike from the messages society has been sending women for eons—that giving head signals submissiveness (and not the good kind), lower status and humiliation.
When a guy yells, “Suck my dick!” outside of the bedroom (and sometimes in it) he means it as an insult. It’s designed to show power, to degrade. There’s a certain arrogance in guys expecting you to get on your knees and service them.
Porn takes this degradation to the extreme, showing men “punishing” women with their cocks and climaxing on their faces in the most humiliating way possible. So it isn’t crazy, given these cultural facts, for some women to be uneasy with the power dynamics that are associated with oral sex.
They may be overcome by shame or view a blowjob at the very least as a non-reciprocal sexual act, where they do all the work and men get all the pleasure.
Slut Shaming and Such
Many women believe that it’s not ladylike to give a blowjob, and that even their boyfriends or husbands will view them as trashy the moment their lips touch their cocks. No woman wants to be seen as easy (I prefer “agreeable”—it’s so less judgmental!).
This insecurity, of course, governs much of female sexuality beyond blowjobs, as we are taught to believe that a woman’s worth is tied to her sexual purity, and that her sexual organs exist solely for the purpose of producing babies. But women are not numb, reproductive factories.
You are fully developed human beings, with the ability to both give and receive sexual pleasure, and you should not be shamed for making use of those abilities.
Today, the meaning of oral sex has dramatically changed for the better. While some of the negative vestiges remain, far more powerful ones have taken root. In recent surveys, more than three-quarters of all American women have given a man a blowjob, and polls suggest that folks are engaging in more oral sex with greater casualness.
Men, realizing their language about blowjobs discourage women from doing something they desperately want them to do, have changed their tone markedly in the last couple of decades. They’ve gone from disparaging it to begging for it.
Women who read this blog post also read Blowjob Tricks
So now that you’re not fighting against a culture that defined it as punishment or a history that considered it slutty, you’re free to make blowjobs mean whatever you want. Of course, the first order of business for giving a good blow job is to actually like doing it. If you’ve tried and didn’t like it there are a few things that can change it around. But wait, you might be thinking…
If I Don’t Like It Why Should I Have To Change?
You don’t. But how many times in your life have you tried something that you initially didn’t like and ended up loving? No one likes their first martini, for example. But then the buzz works its magic and next thing you know you’re drinking so many that olives come out every time you pee.
Which reminds me, why is alcoholism the only disease you get yelled at for having?
At any rate, if you find yourself a little resistant to blowjobs, think about all the times you didn’t like something in the beginning and came to love at the end. The television show that was uninteresting the first couple of episodes, for example, that turned into must-see TV. Or the Pulitzer prize-winning book that bored you in the first couple of chapters and then turned into all-night page-turner.
Have you ever noticed that some things feel a lot better with more practice? Dancing, learning a language or cooking, for example. There’s not that much enjoyment to be had in the beginning. At first, you’re stressed and self-conscious and uncertain of the best way to proceed. But with practice and experience you get a lot more enjoyment out of them. Giving good head is like that. Once you understand what works for you and what doesn’t, once you understand strategies to help you enjoy it more and get better at it, chances are you’ll completely change your mind. Whether you’re in the kitchen, the ballroom, a classroom or your bedroom, practice doesn’t just make perfect, it makes pleasure.
Blowjobs are like that. Once you understand what works for you and what doesn’t, once you understand strategies to help you enjoy it more and get better at it, chances are you’ll completely change your mind. Whether you’re in the kitchen, the ballroom, a classroom or your bedroom, practice doesn’t just make perfect, it makes pleasure.
Millions of women have changed their minds about blowjobs but only after they got clear about what they needed to make it enjoyable.
In the next post, we’ll talk about how blowjobs aren’t cookies, so don’t use them as treats. In the meantime, don’t let a spreadsheet of the ways you’ve refused your partner end up on Reddit.
If you missed the last post, read it here.