Buying sex toys is a little like opening a Christmas present–you never know whether you’re going to like it until you open the package, and then it’s too late. Only a few companies give you a satisfaction guarantee and I’m not aware of any “try-out” rooms before you buy. And you can’t exactly borrow your friend’s vibrator (and if you can, you may have to rethink your friendships).
This doesn’t mean you can’t improve the chances of getting what you like the first time. After your hand-driven self-pleasuring sessions, you should know the kind of stimulation that turns you on. This will narrow down your options. For example, if inserting your fingers into your vagina doesn’t do much for you, then you can eliminate penis-sized dildos made for vaginal insertion.
Sex toys aren’t made for different types of people, they’re made for different types of stimulation. There are basically three things a sex toy can help you with: External stimulation, penetration or both.
How Much Do You Want to Spend?
There isn’t always a correlation between quality and pleasure. An inexpensive sex toy can be just as much fun as a luxury toy, but it probably won’t last as long. Once you know what you like I do recommend investing in high-end sex toys as they are less wasteful and often have better designs. But to start off with, unless you’ve got a lot of money to spend, I recommend sticking with budget toys until you know what you want. There’s nothing worse than spending $130 on a sex toy that ends up as a jewelry tree.
Getting The Most Out Of Your Toys.
Whatever you pick, try the toys in different positions. What makes you yawn on your back may make you howl on your stomach. Try some lubrication, too.
Do you have areas that are too sensitive to touch with a vibrator? Some women find their nipples and clitoris too sensitive for direct stimulation. Try a ‘brush-by,’ a light glide that barely touches them. Try stimulating yourself on one side of the clitoris as opposed to the other. If you’re particularly sensitive, do it through your panties and gradually your body will be able to tolerate more and more direct stimulation.
Female Libido Enhancer
You can also drape a hand towel over your genitals to diffuse the intensity. Just make sure you don’t wipe off your natural vaginal lubrication. It’ll cause redness, irritation and sometimes burning.
Use your other hand to stimulate at the same time. You might find for example, that stimulating your nipples while the vibrator stimulates your clitoris sends you reeling into deep space. And moving your hips and body rhythmically as you do all of this is a female libido booster. One last thing, don’t hold your breath. You’ll experience more by breathing fully.
Women who read this blog post also read Female Libido Enhancer.
Tongue-Tied In Bed?Multi-factor your self-pleasuring. Use fantasy, erotic books, videos, even memories of mind-blowing sex, as you tour your personal landscape. Don’t separate the physical from the emotional or psychological. Your body responds to all stimulants in a way that’s greater than the sum of its parts.
It’s time to communicate what kind of stimulation makes you hear colors. Tell your partner what kind of touch, kiss or stroke makes the difference between hearing pastels and primary colors. What kind of speed, pressure and friction do you need? He needs to know if playing with your nipples do anything for you and if so, what exactly he needs to pay attention to. He needs to know when, how far, what angle, and how fast you want him inside you. He needs you to guide the pacing and the depth of his thrusts. He needs to know all of this and more because, well, and I say this with love, what men don’t know about women is a lot.
Men learn how to pleasure women by watching porn and listening to each other in the locker room. I don’t know which source should scare you more. Almost all of porn ignores or deliberately misrepresents female sexuality to center around male needs. Add the ill-informed, locker-room mentality (“Chicks love it when you pull their braids thug-style”) and you’ve got, well, a lot of work cut out for you. Even guys who’ve been with lots of women aren’t necessarily good in bed. Not if the women were too shy, fearful or intimidated to let them know what they needed.
The good news is that most guys want to know how to pleasure women. As long as you don’t frame your request as an insult or a demand, or lace it with sarcasm, as if he should know better, you have a great shot at shaping him into being the lover you always dreamed of.
There are few things that exemplify male ignorance or confusion about sex more than intercourse. Typically, men get more enjoyment from it than women because the penis gets direct stimulation, while the clitoris doesn’t.
Men (and a lot of women) are taught that the vagina is the primary sexual organ and greatest source of sexual pleasure for women. This adds up to a steaming hot plate of cluelessness: Confusion on a bed of unfamiliarity with a side of uncertainty. There’s a meal where everybody goes home hungry. He may not know that he (or you) should manually stimulate the clitoris during intercourse and you may be too shy, reserved or intimidated to tell him.
Communication is the sex drive solution for women and leads you to the all-you-can-eat buffet. Once everybody’s clear on what everybody likes and how to deliver it, everybody goes home full. The question is, how do you communicate a delicate matter without it being taken the wrong way?
Good lovers are born, not made.
If your partner really loved you he’d know what you like.
You shouldn’t have to tell him things that are so obvious.
These three sentences are the kinds of misinformed beliefs that can stop sex in its tracks. Guys aren’t born with a vagina and a clitoris–they know about as much about the vulva as you do about the penis. Less actually, because male sexuality is a lot less complicated.
And it’s not like they can ask. The male ego is like a giant skyscraper built on a landfill. Nothing will open up the ground faster than admitting ignorance about something “real men” are supposed to know. Men think it’s better to pretend you know what you’re doing than to admit you don’t. That’s why waiting for a guy to ask what you like is like waiting for him to ask a stranger for directions. It’s possible, but by the time it happens you’ll be making a left in Middle Earth.
So, unless you have an enlightened male, it’s pretty much up to you to initiate sexual communication. Fortunately, it’s not very hard, or even awkward to do if you follow a few rules:
Show, Don’t tell.
Hands communicate better than words. If you want him to touch you a certain way, gently guide his hand and say, “I really like it like this.”
Reward His Behavior.
When he’s doing it the way you like, exaggerate your pleasure by moaning or groaning a little louder, kissing him a bit harder and drawing him in closer.
Don’t Reject, Redirect.
If he’s touching an area that isn’t doing it for you, don’t push his hand away; redirect it to its rightful spot. It’s okay to pull back slightly, wiggle away or even say, “ouch” if it hurts, as long as you guide him.
Tell Him What You Want More Of, Not Less Of.
Don’t tell him he kisses you like he’s committing a felony, tell him you love it when his tongue presses gently but firmly against yours (if that’s what you like). And always end a request with these two words: “Like this.” And show him how.
Next week, we’ll take a look at how your subconscious might be undermining you – and how to stop it. In the meantime, check out the shame-free guide to shopping for sex toys.