I want to verb your noun.
It’s not what you say but that you say. As you get more comfortable with making sounds and forming words during love making, it’s time to get a little more explicit. But first, let’s practice. Get your hands on some erotica. It could be a magazine, a blog post or any of the short stories or book-length novels you might find in Amazon under “erotica.”
Got it? Good. Now find your favorite passages and read it out loud to yourself first so you can get the hang of it and won’t feel so self-conscious when you’re with your partner.
Once you get used to saying the words, it’s time to say them to your partner. Keep in mind that talking sexy is supposed to be fun. You’re merely expressing your sexuality with words. If you think you’ve got to come up with something flowery, STOP. Back up. Let me introduce you to the first rule of Tabasco Talk: NO POETRY. Any word with more than two syllables is a word with too many syllables.
A great way to ease into the process is to practice on the phone when you’re out of town. Some guys find it easier because there’s no eye contact and the distance provides an emotional buffer. Another good way to get comfortable with naughty words is to play a word game I call Naughtirati. Your partner draws naughty words on your naked back and you guess what they are. Be playful. This isn’t serious. It’s fun. And wet, too, if your partner draws the words with her tongue. Can you guess what she’s writing? Louder, I can’t hear you!
Okay, so we started with mirroring the sounds your partner makes in bed, then to developing code words, then to reading erotica passages out loud to yourself, then to guessing what naughty words your lover drew on your back. Now you’re ready for….
The Erotic Appreciation Exercise.
Simply notice something about her body that you like and say something about it (“I like the feel of your clitoris when you get excited”). Then say something about her style of lovemaking. Like, “I love the way your kisses automatically make my nipples erect.” It’s simple, really. Notice something you like about your partner and tell her. All you’re doing is putting your thoughts on external speaker. If you feel a little awkward, try whispering it in her ear.
Narrate The Action.
The next step is to describe what’s happening. Is she stroking your thighs? Then say something like, “I love the way you touch the inside of my leg.” Do you want to go down on her? Then say, “I really want to go down on you.” Describe what you’re doing and feeling. Remember it doesn’t matter what you say, only that you say it.
Your partner isn’t exactly going to be silent when you start talking and she deserves the same kind of openness and acceptance you’d like from her. Instead of trying to decide whether your partner’s utterances are appropriate, silly, cliched, or offensive, judge them by their power to arouse you. This is important because words are aphrodisiacs, and if there’s something that she says or the way she says it that turns you on, you need to respond positively so she knows to keep saying it in the future.
By the same token, if there’s something that’s offensive you need to tell her that too. I had a friend who finally had the nerve to ask his girlfriend to talk dirty and she ended up calling him a dirty manwhore every time they made love. Not exactly what he was hoping for. Remember the universal law of questions: If you want something ask for it. If you want something stopped, ask for that too.