Are you giving guys Anal Glaucoma?  That’s when your texts are so lame guys think, “I can’t see my ass in her life.”  Girls with no texting game get Glaucoma’d all the time.  I wrote this guide to keep you from being one of them.  Now let me ask you a question.  Which text do you think a guy would rather get?

“So what do you do for a living?”


I’m arguing with a friend about the funniest drag queen name.  Settle it for us:  Lois Carmen Denominator, Hedda Lettuce or Summer Clearance? 

The first one shows you have the personality of a parking meter.  The second makes you sound like a girl who’s a blast to hang out with. Texting reveals your personality.  It’s a digital first impression after the first meeting.  Texting is also testing.  Respond to a guy’s text and he immediately lapses into test questions:  Does she like me or does she just want to be friends?  Will she sleep with me?  Is she funny, boring, interesting?  Is she a party girl? Is she relationship material? Is this someone I’d want to go out with? Is she a stage five clinger?

Of course, it isn’t you he’s testing; it’s your typing.  Do your texts make him laugh or reach for the Rolaids?  You are constantly being assessed by the content (and intent) of your texts, just as he is assessing you.  In fact, your texts are pretty much your defining characteristic until you talk on the phone or hang out somewhere real.   

This places a huge burden on you to ‘produce’ good texts (funny, flirty, interesting).   He can’t see, hear, smell or feel you at the moment, so your texts are the digital equivalent of looking at your face and body and experiencing your personality.  Do not kid yourself—your entire existence is being judged by what and how you text.

Used incorrectly, texts can toss a promising romance into the garbage disposal and flick the switch on your hopes and dreams.  Used correctly, they can get you the love of your life or, at the very least, some really fun dates. Want to turn him off?  Send an inappropriate text.  Or a misspelled one.  Or worse, an inappropriate text that’s misspelled.  Want him walking backwards from you?  Be too direct.  Want him wishing he could “text block” you?  Go emo.  Want him filing a restraining order?  Text him nine times in a row before he has a chance to reply.

But if you want him to look forward to your texts, if you want him to ask you to hang out, then you’ve got to set the right tone, be funny, and project the right balance of humor, intelligence and sexiness.  You’ve got to build up the romantic and sexual tension without being too easy or too available.

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