You may be the one smoking with hurt but if you have a partner he’s breathing it in. Second-hand suffering is hazardous to his health. He’s feeling rejected, hungering for your touch, and having his opinions dismissed.
You have shared custody of sexual challenges. You may own the issue but he’s making a lot of the payments. He’s got a vested interest in helping free you raise your libido and my guess is that he’d be more than willing to do whatever he can. So show him this post. He’ll get a better understanding of what you’re going through and find out ways he can help.
Okay, guys, has she given you the screen? Good. Bookmark it and read it when she isn’t around. Otherwise, she’ll have one eye on what she’s doing and one eye on your reactions. And really, that’s not an attractive look.
What About Me?
You’re hurt, angry and rejected. What’s especially galling is that nothing on your end has changed. You’re still the same guy she was attracted to when you first met. You haven’t let yourself go, you’re reasonably attentive to her, and other areas of your relationship are in a decent state. In some cases, sex was problematic from the start. In others, it was fine, maybe even great, but then things went south. What happened?
You start feeling isolated. You wonder how she can sleep so peacefully when you lie there looking at her with so much longing. You resent that she controls the sexual relationship. The sex seems so infrequent and meager you feel like she’s doling it out as if she has to make it last until the end of the month.
Low Libido Women
Thoughts flash through your mind: She no longer finds you attractive, she doesn’t love you, you don’t sexually satisfy her, she’s cheating on you. Sometimes she dismisses your needs as pure horniness, as if all you wanted was a release and didn’t care how you got it. She doesn’t understand that the only way you feel really connected is when you’re touching, holding and making love. That it makes you feel like a man, a man who knows how to take care of his woman. She doesn’t understand that sex–her touch, her warmth, your union with her– is the way you express and receive love. That when sex goes, it’s not like a cookie got taken away, it’s like the foundation of your love cracked.
Up to now, you’ve probably been kept in the dark about why sex dried up like a peach in the back of the fridge. Low libido women don’t exactly announce their anxieties (“Honey, I’m going to avoid sex, and if you guilt me into it I’m going to shut the lights, wear camouflage clothing, pretend that I like it, hope it goes by quickly and emotionally detach from it because I don’t really feel up to it”).
Our readers enjoyed: How Low Libido Women Can Increase Their Sexual Desire
So let’s get this out of the way: It isn’t your fault. You are not the cause of the problem but that doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to the solution. There are some subtle and not-so-subtle things you can do that act as a female libido enhancer and help you have the kind of sex that will take your relationship to the next level.
The first step is learning the art of…
Affection For Affection’s Sake.
It’s hard for men to grasp the idea of affection’s intrinsic value. To most men, touching and kissing is like riding a train–you get on it because you want to go somewhere, not because the seats are comfortable. It’s not some evil plot men hatched against women, it’s just the way men are wired:
Touch + Kiss + Hot Woman= Erection.
But women operate under a different kind of math:
Touch + Kiss + Hot Man= Fulfillment Which Might Or Might Not Lead To Sex.
This fulfillment creates a variety of emotional states–feeling valued, appreciated, loved, desirable, essential, protected, important, safe, and taken care of. Those feelings are intrinsically valuable in and of themselves. While it’s generally true that women need to feel loved and appreciated to have sex, they resent it when you presume that every show of affection has a sexual agenda attached to it.
When a peck on the cheek turns into a tongue in the tonsils, when every hug turns into a grasp of the buttocks, when every massage turns into an eleven-finger rub-down, it doesn’t take long before she becomes suspicious of every gesture of affection. Now, every time you sit close to her when you’re watching tv she’ll scooch away. When you give her a kiss on the lips, she’ll give you her cheek. When you put your arm around her she’ll brush it off.
By making affection inseparable from sex you guarantee a steady stream of rejection. She feels pressured and harassed and you retreat into anger, resentment, and despondency. Ending the sexual stalemate requires you to understand an essential paradox:
Women don’t want sex without affection but affection doesn’t mean they want sex.
I love taking walks through a beautiful park across the street from where I live. I also love tennis. The only way I can get to the tennis courts is to walk through this beautiful park. But just because I enjoy walking in the park doesn’t mean I necessarily want to go to the tennis courts. Affection, like walking in the park, is its own reward, and its allure is sometimes ruined if it always leads to the tennis courts. If your partner retreats from you every time you go in for a kiss or a hug it’s a sure bet you’ve dragged her through the park to get to the tennis courts when she was just hoping to get a little fresh air.
In the last post in this series, learn how to put everything you’ve learned into practice. In the meantime, learn 9 tips if your sex drive is higher than your partner’s.
If you missed last week’s post, check it out here.